Part of me are happy, another part is ...

today 22 julai ... well this is not about today.

it's about tomorrow. 23 julai ... saya sebenarnya nak berkongsi rasa dengan anda. hari ni saya rasa tidak begitu gembira. kenapa saya guna perkataan 'tidak begitu' gembira, sebab part of me i'm a happy girl (girl?), part of me, saya rasa agak sedih. kalau nak  bercerita dengan orang pun, saya rasa orang tak faham. kalau dengan Z pun, hmm.... faham kot. :P

Esok hari ulang tahun my mom. every year, Julai adalah bulan yang ditunggu-tunggu. double celebration. double prosperity. Birthday me and my mom. 23 & 27 julai. Almost, almost every year, we celebrate together, siap kongsi cake. kalau tak celebrate on 23th, kami akan sambut sama-sama on 27th. Together, sama-sama means, me, my mom, my elder brother, his wife(now ex wife), a'a, a'an & my little brother.

Tahun ini Julai datang lagi, 23th is coming right in front my eyes. Saya rasa saya tahu apa yang my mom rasa. Sunyi, sedih, terkilan. I don't know how to describe.

It's been a while, since kami sangat happy together.. especially celebrating july. now... it's not here anymore. the happiness of celebrating happy birthday is almost... tak meng'excited'kan.

Sebab ia sudah berlalu... Since my brother sudah bercerai dengan kak lin (this is the first time i mention this to my blog), sy rasa my family macam lost. not the whole family of cos. yang sangat terasa adalah penghuni rumah my mom.

Kak lin has moving out. my brother is in kk. me with family here in kk. adik, is also working somewhere here, in kk. Everybody is here, and she is all alone there... (well, sort of. actually duduk dengan seorang pembantu rumah, paulina).

so, basically, i feel terrible here. Sitting here, and doing nothing to change the fact dan takdir yang sudah tersurat. macam la boleh di buat apa-apa kan. sudah suruh dia datang, tapi biasalah, dia lebih suka duduk di rumah, mengenang keindahan masa lalu yang tidak dapat di ulang.

i cannot say life has being unfair. sebab selama ini life has been- perfect. too good to be true. happy sangat. saya happy dengan my family, my marriage and my daughters. and now, salah satu sudah kurang happy. still i got something to hold on too. but not to her.

i cannot talk to her right now. rasa macam nak nangis.

:(

from left : a'a, a'an, my mom and my little brother. 
a'a & a'an anak my brother. sekarang tinggal dengan kak lin. 
my mom misses them so much. i miss them so much. this picture is taken on hari raya 2006.

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